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29 June 2019

REVIEW: Paloqueth Masturbator

Paloqueth Masturbator sex toy
Your new best friend

Just when you thought it was safe to return to the internet, The Test Pit have gone and reviewed another sex toy. Unlike previously reviewed sexy products which at least fell into the category of pushing technological limits, this one one is altogether more... simple. We "check out" the Paloqueth Masturbator.



In a 'nut shell' (tee hee), this is a sex toy for guys that simulates a vagina. Just like the Satisfyer Men we reviewed last year, you pop off the top, get lubed up, and pop yourself in. However, unlike that other one, the Paloqueth Masturbator does feature some electronics... in a really weird way.

Paloqueth Masturbator sex toy

Anyway, first of all this thing features a removable suction cup attachment. It's for exactly the reason you think. Stick it to a flat surface, adjust the angle to your liking, and you can pump away all night long, hands free. Clever. Paloqueth are also kind enough to include a small bottle of lubricant. Thoughtful.

That removable suction base is also what contains all the tech. Insert two AAA batteries, press the switch on the side, and power will be delivered to a small vibration bullet embedded into the TPE mock vagina. Keep tapping it and it will cycle through several vibration modes, adding more sensation to your solo session.

Paloqueth Masturbator sex toy

But... that suction base also features a headphone port. Why? Well, plug in the included headphones (yes, this is a fake fanny that comes with headphones!), switch on the vibrations, and you'll hear something very unique: the sound of a woman... erm... moaning in pleasure(?).

We say pleasure, because we bloody hope it's pleasure. In reality it sounds more like a Japanese teenager being beaten up. The sound doesn't vary, and we can only assume it is an audio clip of a few seconds on a loop, but it's damn disconcerting. If you like shagging a toy vagina while listening to the sound of an Asian woman in distress, you're a bit fucked up (and this is the product for you).

That's why we actually thought the Paloqueth Masturbator worked far better as a sex toy without the suction base attached. It unscrews easily, leaving just the business end to be 'man-handled'. On that note, the internal texture is great, and the TPE material is stretchy and realistic. It begs the question that the product might have been far better without all the vibrating and disturbing sound gimmicks.

Paloqueth Masturbator sex toy

Cleaning the Paloqueth Masturbator is a simple job of yanking out the squishy internal bit and running it under warm water. Leave it to air dry (ideally not somewhere your family/housemates will find it) and push it back into the plastic sheath for next time.

Another plus is the price. This thing really won't break the bank, and despite shipping with more stuff in the box, it is cheaper than the aforementioned Satisfyer product and also boasts a more realistic entrance. Like, it actually looks like a vagina, unlike the Satisfyer Men's weird android opening.

Paloqueth were a new company on us this time round, but their Masturbator is a fun and affordable toy. If you can look beyond the frankly weird inclusion of the moaning sounds, this could keep most penis-people happy for years to cum.

$28

Visit www.paloqueth.com




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