26 November 2017

FEATURE: Five mental Christmas Decorations

Merry fucked-up Christmas

With just a month to go until the big day you are probably already planning your decorations. Yes, you could pop to John Lewis and pick up some boring shit that would please your nan, or... you could 'take a different route' and dress your house (and yourself) with something a bit more interesting. If you fancy a change from traditional decs, read on, as we've found five bat-shit crazy festive fuck-ups.

Snowman's Poop & Pee Bauble

This is a glass bauble to proudly hang on your tree, containing white snowman poo and his urine. The delightful ornament, which we think looks both disgusting and delicious, is currently available from an Etsy store. Good old Etsy - giving mentally unstable people a change to make a bit of pocket money for a decade now. We can just see Auntie Vera's face when she peers at it and asks, 'Ooo, what's that?' Festive family fun!

£6 each from www.etsy.com

North Pole Plush Doll

We've seen many Christmas characters turned into adorable cuddly toys over the years, from jolly Santas to squishy snowmen. What we have never seen is an adorable version of the actual North Pole. Like, the physical pole itself. As well as the pole having a smiling face, the designer chose to give it both arms and legs, despite it being a pole wedged into the ice. Still, it could wave. And jog on the spot. Hang on, is there an actual pole at the North Pole? Doesn't the ice shift about? So many questions are raised by this.

£10 from www.ebay.co.uk

Memorial China Bauble

We honestly don't know if this is touching or just completely creepy. Thanks to the website Getting Personal, you can upload a photo of a friend or relative who has died, and they will print you a bauble with them on there, as well as their birth and death dates. Don't get us wrong, if you want a recently lost loved one to be a part of the Christmas decorations, go for it. But we'd be totally creeped out by it, 100% of the time, especially as the bauble would keep slowly turning, as if the deceased person was constantly trying to look at you. Nope.

£9.99 from www.gettingpersonal.co.uk 

Beard Baubles

Bearded man? Know one? Well, prepare for the festive season to fully infiltrate their face, with Beard Baubles. This set of small balls have been specially designed to hang from the bristles of a manly mane, instantly transporting Christmas merriness wherever the wearer wonders. And why the hell not, we say. Beards should work more for their wearers, after all. And hey, guys, ladies love a man who looks like Christmas tree. Probably.

£6.99 for a pack of nine, from www.qwerkity.com

Dinosaur Abducts Nun from New Orleans Bauble

Erm... we'll just leave the description given by the creator on their Etsy page for this one:

"Dinosaur Abducts Nun from New Orleans! Velociraptor carries screaming Nun off into the Gulf while shocked and screaming sisters look on. Two extraterrestrials observe the scene as they guard their '59 Caddy and creepy overlord's apparition in the background. Space monsters, Astronauts and screaming nuns are floating in bubbles in space all over the outside of this diorama."

'Nuff said. We'll take four. And look, it's only...

£84 from www.etsy.com

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