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16 April 2016

NEWS: Smart Mattress will surely end adultery


Suddenly the floor seems really appealing.

As an increasing number of household appliances are becoming ‘smart’, some inventors are clearly scraping the bottom of the barrel as to what other bits of their home can be connected to the internet. Fortunately one company in Spain, Durmet, has landed a doozey with the Smart Mattress, initially designed to combat the country’s high rate of infidelity. What?


Yes, this ‘smart’ mattress (you got it; the ‘Smartress’) can be programmed to know exactly how much you and your usual sleeping buddy weigh, and so will send an alert to your phone if “someone else” gets into the bed. ‘BLEEP’, goes your phone. ‘YOUR WIFE/HUSBAND IS SHAGGING SOMEONE ELSE! BLEEP.’ What an incredible notification to receive.

As well as sensing unusual weights upon the surface, the Smart Mattress will also register movement and rhythmic bouncing. ‘BLEEP. NOW THEY’RE PROPERLY GOING AT IT. GET HOME RIGHT NOW! BLEEP’.


Unfortunately it seems that there is no way to remotely eject the occupants from the bed via your smartphone, so if you’re away from home and can’t get back in time to intervene, you’re going to continue to get some disappointing messages.

‘BLEEP. THEY’RE DOING IT FROM BEHIND NOW. BLEEP.’

‘BLEEP. WOW, THEY’RE REALLY GOING AT IT. BLEEP.’

‘BLEEP. YOU NEVER LASTED THIS LONG. BLEEP.’

‘BLEEP. FINISHED. NOW CUDDLING. BLEEP.’


What an amazing time to be alive. Visit http://www.smarttress.com/en/


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